Motorway Mares
The 'liminal limbo-land' where people’s darkest personality defects come out to play
Statistically the safest roads to drive on, motorways still manage to bring out something horribly, demonically scary in drivers.
Other drivers, that is. Never you or me.
Some would argue it’s because there’s no motorway practical required in the UK driving test. But perhaps it’s more fundamental than that. Perhaps it’s because motorways aren’t really anywhere. They’re a liminal limbo-land of anonymous boredom and semi-hypnosis where people’s darkest personality defects come out to play – magnified frighteningly by the horsepower they’re barely in charge of.
A motorway is a three lane, high speed Rorschach test.
Here’s an ID parade of some of those who fail it. Badly.
The Tailgater
Everyone’s favourite motorway psycho, he - and it is always a he - insists you admire his shiny BMW or VW badge in your mirrors. Which is supposed to make you remember your place. Behind him.
His alpha importance is responsible for one in eight serious motorway smashes by ingeniously turning the two second rule for the minimum safe distance into a two inch maximum one.
Diagnosis - Penis smaller than the gap between your bumpers
The Bonnetgater
Overtakes you and then cuts you up, forcing you to slow down to maintain a safe - and decent - distance.
Often, they will decelerate after they’ve plonked themselves two inches in front of you. They’ve achieved their objective – making you taste their exhaust – so why waste fuel while picking their nose?
The worst thing about the bonnetgater, however, isn’t their thoughtlessness - it’s their way of turning you into a non-consensual tailgater.
Diagnosis - As Cpl Jones would say: “They DO like it up ‘em!”
The Undertaker
Decides that the minimum safe distance you’ve left between you and the car in front as you overtake a vehicle on the left is in fact reserved for them, and overtakes you at 90 mph – on the inside lane – to occupy it. While on the phone. And eating.
Diagnosis - Probably a “creative”.
The Middle Lane Hog
Lots of drivers hate driving. It involves decisions, attention and awareness - when you could be sharing TikToks, or having a nice snooze. But proper driverless cars are still some way off in the UK. What to do? Fortunately, there’s a solution – become your own driverless car!
It’s really easy. Though it does make life really difficult for everyone else. Just find a motorway, find the middle lane - and make yourself at home.
No need look in your mirrors, or engage your brain at all. Or notice all the angry drivers having to overtake you and then crossing the entire carriageway in front of you back into the LOVELY EMPTY LEFT LANE.
Diagnosis - An inspiration to us all
The Outside Lane Kamikaze
Unable leave a motorway from any lane other than the outside one – braking as they swoop across three lanes because they’ve left it far, far too late.
Not because they forgot their exit but because they absolutely have to overtake as many cars as they can before they leave the motorway - otherwise their life is a total failure.
Diagnosis - A total failure
The Slip-Road Kamikaze
This is the Outside Lane Kamikaze when they join the motorway. Instead of ‘giving priority to traffic already on the motorway’ as dictated by the Highway Code, they treat the slip road as an overtaking lane – or a pit-stop exit ramp.
Once again, they have to overtake as many cars as possible before cutting in front of you just before they run out of slip – finishing with a masterful swerve across two lanes into the outside lane. Sans indicator, natch.
Diagnosis - Still a total failure
The Dozy Racer
Accelerates while you’re overtaking. Can be a deliberate tactic of boy racers (of any age or sex) showing off their torque, but more usually a sneaky, almost unconscious application of the throttle by the driver’s Id.
This presents a dilemma. If you refuse to rise to the bait, and don’t accelerate, pulling in behind them instead, they’re bound to slow down again and you’ll find yourself in the same quandary again a few miles up the road.
But if you accelerate you may have to maintain the same speed for the next fifty miles - as you find yourselves locked in a battle of pretending that you’re not racing.
Diagnosis - Passive-aggressive nightmare. Probably your ex.
The Lorry Driver From Duel
Pulls out their eighteen-wheel rig faster than it takes their indicator to flash once – while you’re just beginning to overtake. Forcing you to brake. Hard.
Will also sometimes tailgate you to pass the time, especially when you’re alone together in an average speed check contraflow at night, in the rain, dazzling you with headlights the size and height of your rear window.
Diagnosis - Misunderstood gentle giants. (PLEASE don’t tailgate me again!)
The Whiner
Complains endlessly about other motorway drivers and compiles whingeing lists of their failings. While hypocritically practising some of the very same outrages himself from time to time.
Diagnosis - Writer
h/t Simon Mason