The Insatiable Size-Queenery of Straight Men

A taste for monster meat

Last week’s C4 doc ‘My Massive Cock’ (more on it shortly…), included the intense, unabashed and unabating interest a VWE (remember that coy abbreviation?) amateur football player’s teammates have in his tackle, reminded me of this piece I wrote a few years ago about straight men’s taste for monster meat.

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There was a great, quasi-orgasmic collective sigh of relief recently when a major penis length study by the University of London was reported – in HUGE headlines – to have found that the average erect penis length for Caucasian and Middle Eastern men is just over five inches. About an inch shorter than the previous widely quoted six inch ‘ruler’ figure. 

And as we all know from online dating profiles, an inch is as good as a mile when it comes to the membrum virile.

But that collective sigh of relief emanated from women as much as men. Women who have had to spend their lives reassuring men that “No, your penis isn’t small, darling – in fact, it’s MUCH LARGER than many I’ve seen. Honest.”

Now they can just send their boyfriend/partner/shag a link to the study instead.

Though it probably won’t stop them obsessing. While some women may be size queens – all men are.

Insatiable size queens. As the old gay joke has it, there are only two kinds of gay men, size queens and liars - but the ‘gay’ part turned out to be redundant.

The evidence is online in abundance. Gay and straight male porn have one BIG THING in common – in extreme, wide-angled lens close-up. Well, whole football teams of BIG THINGS in common. Forming a line, while stroking with both hands.

Though the difference is that in straight porn male size queenery is projected into the ‘slut’. In straight porn the female models play the reverse of the reassuring role of girlfriends and partners – no ‘average’ penises for them. Only Star Destroyers will do.

It’s not just when watching porn, however. A 2007 ‘eyetracking’ study of 255 people in New York City found that when presented with an image of the baseball player George Brett the ‘male gaze’ likes to meat-gaze much more than the female variety:

The more recent University of London penis length study claimed that 85% of women were satisfied with their partner’s penis size, but only 55% of men were happy with the size of their penis. (It didn’t have anything to say about how many men were happy with the size of their partner’s penis.)

This statistical discrepancy is probably explained by most men who don’t possess a big cock wishing they did, regardless of what their partner says. Though I freely admit/brag that I may be biased. 

But at least I have an entirely unscientific anecdote to conclusively prove my point.

A few years back I found myself, as you do, in a nightclub in a rufty-tufty garrison town in the north of England - and needed to piss. At the urinal was a very drunk, very chatty twenty-something lad who was unusu­ally tall – I’m 6’2’’, and he towered three or four inches above me. He didn’t seem to be interested in pissing but chatting to the room instead. (This is not such an unusual habit in the north of England after the ingestion of copious quantities of lager or WKD Blue).

As he blathered away at me about nothing in particular, in a Liverpool accent, I smiled and nod­ded and tried to remem­ber my twelve times table. 

Then a surprisingly short but stocky bloke came in. He went to piss in one of the stalls behind us, without shutting the door. A mate of his who’d fol­lowed him into the men’s, joined us at the trough gestured towards his chum and announced: “’E’s only a little man but ‘e’s got a MASSIVE COCK!”

At this the tall scouser’s ears pricked up. “Ere, c’mon mate!” he shouted. “Show us yer MASSIVE COCK!”

The little big guy, clearly used to and bored with this request, ignored him.

The giant scouser star­ted plead­ing. “Aww, c’mon mate, please! PLEASE show us your MASSIVE COCK!!”

I didn’t know where to look now. So, I looked down.

“Aww, it’s just not fair!” whined the scouser to me, giv­ing up. “’E’s only little and ‘e’s got a MASSIVE COCK an’ I’m twice as fuckin’ tall and I’ve only got a little un! I WANNA MASSIVE COCK!!”

“Well,” I said, shak­ing my dick care­fully enough for him to notice, stuff­ing it back in my pants and wink­ing at him, “you can’t have everything can you, mate?”

(A version of this originally appeared in Out magazine, 2015)